Lemonade Life Lessons

I am about two months post my last chemo and am feeling great. I have almost full energy now and my blood levels are near normal. Reconstructive surgery is scheduled for Friday, August 8^th (YAY!)  I hope to be healing nicely and ready to roll when the new school year begins!  I think I am starting to behave like a teacher too. I SCORED at Joann’s clearance rack. Dollar items were 70% off so I hoarded stacks of goodies for 30 cents a pop. I’m stockpiling supplies in my basement; collecting ideas, resources and even décor for a classroom.  I will resume student teaching when school starts and plan to be finished with all requirements by late fall if I count my days right. I am so excited to get back in the swing of things and get this career rolling!
Details: (more for me than for anything because I reeeaally want to remember this) The tissue expanders are bizarre!  I get between 60-90 cc’s in each side at each fill which is about 2-3oz.  My plastic surgeon inserts a needle through my skin into a one way valve and squeezes in saline from a syringe.  They literally grow before my very eyes. The needle is not painful because I have no feeling in my breasts, but as the tissue and muscles tighten and stretch it becomes a bit uncomfortable. I am as expanded as much as I would like to be, probably even a little bigger and let me tell ya – these things are hard as rocks!  I wish I had a way to document the consistency. They truly feel like a sport ball of some sort –they don’t move at all, they give way to pressure but only slightly, and I am certain I would bounce if I fell.  I am told the implants are much more natural.  These temporary things are just doing their job and stretching tissue but they are so unnatural. They aren’t really painful but are more uncomfortable and annoying. I am looking forward to surgery so I can get a little closer to having normal anatomy. I will forever be without the “centerpieces” as I was unable to have sparing surgery, but I plan to have those details tattooed on later. There is an amazing artist in Baltimore that my friend Ann and I plan to use. Roadtrip, Anne! Can’t wait for my very own trompe l’oeil masterpiece(s).
Summer is going great. We’re enjoying a nice blend of busy and relaxing. We were able to take a lovely trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with amazingly generous friends (Thanks Corey and Angie!) We planned to visit my friend Amy for the long 4^th  of July weekend, but she threw out her back L  The Ludemans invited us to join them for a few days and we graciously accepted.  We felt the girls deserved a getaway too.  What a beautiful place – we had a fantastic  time! 
I am coordinating and teaching gymnastics camp for three weeks. So far it’s been a blast.  We have about 14 kids each week and we keep them busy! It feels great to be active, using muscles, and having fun with the kiddos –and my girls get to attend so it’s been a win-win. I’ll be doing some painting for the set of an Annie production for a local theater company and I am so excited to be doing artwork – you know I’m all about the therapeutic properties of art-making!
So I’m really just trying to resume normalcy. Life goes on. I am often asked, “So what’s next?” Well, I see my oncologist in a month, then three months, then six, then annually.  I find peace knowing I have done all I can do to insure cancer will not return.  I’ve done my part, my docs have done theirs, the meds theirs. I have my surgery and any follow ups for aesthetic enhancement, I see my docs when they send reminder cards, I wait patiently for my hair to grow back and I  live as though I am cancer free. That’s all I can do.  Am I afraid? Sometimes. Will it stifle me? Certainly not.
I am near completion of my action research project subtitled, A study of the effects of breast cancer on my self-efficacy as an educator. The paper is the product of an in-depth study of my process. This self-study methodology was super enlightening. I am attaching a link to a video accompaniment that I made and I hope you will  visit.  I thought most would prefer that to 30 pages of introspection!  In it I pose the questions, “What’s your problem?” and “What’s your pedagogy?” (the art or method of teaching) I hope it is thought provoking to not only my teacher friends and professors who will critique my work, but for all who may take the time to process how struggles and challenges define their way of living.  My basic messages is that while we all have problems, how we manage them is an indicator of our character and by finding ways to manage them we learn and grow.  Boy have I grown!

AT LAST…
Well, it’s been some time since my last blog and while I’ve been crossing milestones and collecting thoughts I haven’t put fingers to keyboard.  Today is the last day of school for the kids. The last day of elementary for my amazing little Delia. The last day of 7^th grade for my incredible Devin.  There have been a lot of notable “lasts” in the past few weeks and months.  I realize, however, that these lasts are simply mile markers along the road.  We take photos of the last day of school, on vacation, in the hospital, with a cast, with a loved one… some lasts are celebratory and some are heartbreaking; some are both.   Lasts however, don’t necessarily have to be the highlight of the era. The important part is to utilize these lasts as identifiers of a significant time. We may not remember the significance of the 73^rd day of school, but it may have been a tremendous day that will sadly go unnoticed and even pale in comparison to the last day of school. No photos, no Facebook status updates.  We would never know that a day spent with a loved one might just be the last day we spend, yet we often focus on that day.  “That was the last time I saw him.” 
I guess what I’m thinking today is that we should take a little more time to notice the in-betweens and give just a little less credence to the lasts.  My last chemo was May 15^th.  Alas it is nearly one month later. Certainly I will remember that day/date probably forever as an anniversary of an era – a mile marker if you will, and I will fondly remember the day more importantly because I spent it with wonderful friends whom I have known for decades. Additionally, I presented what I had compiled thus far for my action research project along with my classmates at school. I will remember the weeks and months leading up to the last day — the thoughts, feelings and emotions as an organic, kinesthetic blob during this era in my life with helpful little date stamps along the way.  January 2^nd  diagnosis – last day of normalcy for a while, January 30th surgery – last day with boobs, May 15^th  -last day of chemo.  Yes, many lasts.   Lasts give us a reason to gather, to celebrate, to remember so for this reason they are worthwhile and necessary, but I can probably guarantee that that last day of elementary school, high school, with that special someone, or while in good health is NOT the most noteworthy day of that particular time period, but can be better utilized as a time stamp… a page separator. Take time to savor the in-between — the big sandwich with many layers of flavor and texture not because of the bread on the outside — that just keeps it all together in a neat little manageable bundle.  The complexity of layers and flavors are what make a sandwich delicious – not the bread. Maya Angelou who sadly spent her last day alive on May 28^th 2014 was quoted as having said, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”   I love this quote and use it because I agree that memories are linked to feelings and emotions. Fortunately we have photos and clouds to document and store our experiences, but what we carry with us is our memories.  I don’t know about you, but I remember feelings, situations, laughs, heartaches… I can’t tell you dates of many of the most enjoyable & memorable yet insignificant moments in my life, nor do I have photos, pamphlets, or programs.  Honestly the undocumented, non-noteworthy, gut-splitting, laugh until you pee your pants, cry until you’re dry, chat until the wee hours, play like you haven’t a care in the world moments and days are the most memorable for me.     So no, I didn’t blog around the time of my *last day of chemo* but perhaps it was not as significant as it seemed it should be.  I have many more lasts and more importantly more what will become memorable days ahead.
Happy mile marker and end of a time period for many of my friends on this last day of school – I hope the year was enjoyable and you have many fantastic memories of insignificant dates to savor!  Love to all.
Health updates:  Feeling great, hair is growing back a little – looks like a kiwi, I started taking Tamoxifin – the maintenance drug that I will be on for like 5-10 years (no kidding).  I’m feeling stronger and overall pretty healthy. I resumed fills in the expanders and will hopefully have reconstruction surgery in the next few months.  The road to looking normal is the next phase – still wearing hats and penciling in my eyebrows, but I’ll get there. 

What’s Your Purpose?

As I continue to journal my process, I commit to leaving myself open to critique. As I leave myself open to critique, I build confidence, strength, and peace of mind knowing that (I hope) I ammaking an impact, in some small way thus, I receive an indirect sense of accomplishment. I can’t measure the impact yet, but I plan to infiltrate many brains subliminally and assess the behavior of my loved ones 😉   I’ve learned that a sense of accomplishment and influence is what I need to keep me motivated.
I hit kind of a slump, a depression if you will.  I’m ok… been working on my self-help skills.  I have identified, however, that this has been compounded by a lack of achievement or accomplishment, and is not simply because of a crappy diagnosis. I’m out of the classroom, can’t work with the kiddos, have to delay graduation… yadda,  yadda, yadda…. I can’t do what brings me happiness (cheezy but true) and decisions were not my own.  SO, in the meantime, I figured I could build my self–esteem and shake the depression by shamelessly posting photos of my plight and touting my ego strength. Please don’t feel obligated to tell me how amazing I am; this is all in the effort of sharing a situation, finding strength, and inspiring others – not to elicit an ego stroking.  If you simply read and acknowledge, “Heck, I guess things could be worse.” Well, then I’ve made an impact.  Or you’ve said, “Dang, despite that crappy deal, she’s still smiling. What’s MY problem?” Again, I’ve made an impact. Tell me that!!  Thanks for letting me know I can rock a fedora and pull off bald better than Sinead, but how are YOU affected?!  I DO appreciate the compliments; please don’t think me ungrateful! BUT, I want to know if my strength/outlook has inspired you, and more importantly – HOW?  I want to get to a place where I can actually collect data and assess the impact I have had. So please… share!!  Seriously, FB inbox me, email me, or post something.  I would love to know if I have inspired you in some way. See, now this is worthwhile.
Updates: Chemo on Thursday 4/3 was ok.  Two down, two to go. I had another amazing friend join me for four hours of therapeutic nonsense. Felt like crap on Saturday and Sunday. Again, the bone and joint pain were the worst.  I was a little more nauseous, and “tossed” for the first and only time, but I think I just had too heavy a meal and it was just not sitting right.  I am more tired than usual, but don’t think I have that sickly chemo look yet.  My blood counts are ok thanks to the Neulasta shots; white counts were on the low end of normal and red/hemoglobin was a little below normal but not too low to require transfusions or fear being super immunosuppressed. My Onco will continue to monitor before the next treatment.  The good news is that showers take two minutes, I’m saving a ton in hair products, and I haven’t worn a proper bra since January!
Friends want to know about the hair. You reaaally want to know. It went fast! Despite the embarrassment, I am reminding myself to be brave and share the process. It takes courage and strength, but why not put it out there? Learn from the pics, share if you want to, but don’t judge.
My hair started thinning about two weeks after my first chemo. In the shower, I would comb conditioner through with my fingers and be left with fingers full of hair. (see photos) I was shedding a ton. I filled a gallon sized baggie full of hair in three days. After a few days of that, I had Devin cut it to chin length in a spontaneous need for control. Yes, I allowed my 12 year old to cut my locks – it was that urgent. Curls are really forgiving and she has quite a lovely gift for hair artistry! She took off about 6-8 inches and left me with the thin curly bob. Next, my scalp started to show and my hair became super thin and scraggly. I told myself that when I started to look sickly, I would buzz.  I wore a hat for two more days and then gave up – think Beetlejuice… it was that creepy.  Hubby got out the clippers and took off the rest.  I first went for the number two fade and decided that I looked like a coconut – not a good look.  So, went for the buzzers and got rid of all of it.  Took another shower to get rid of the itch, put on some makeup and a hat and rocked the look the best I could.
Observations: I really like hats and big earrings.  I find the wig a little ridiculous, feel like a sideshow fortune teller in a scarf, and straight up bald is just too cold! Insights: A needy ego isn’t my motivation for divulging, but a strengthened one is the unexpected side effect. If I gain strength, then thank you for allowing me to thicken my skin by being vulnerable.  There is strength in vulnerability.Vulnerable and confident – cool coexistence.  (Note to self: Research idea – teenagers and vulnerability?)So what I’ve processed is that I am not necessarily down because of my diagnosis, or my surgery, or my bald head. I really think I’m ok with those things. I’m sad because I can’t do what I want to do and miss the sense of accomplishment that comes as a result. It’s the definition of accomplishment or internal/intrinsic reward that I need to reevaluate. People deal with loss all the time.  How then do they maintain their optimism and stay motivated? I think it has to do with finding a purpose and mission. Maslow was on to something in his theory of human motivation– 1943, huh?  Pretty solid stuff.   Look at this as it relates to social media: I am so pursuing self-actualization!

Maybe I’m being diverted because I have something I need to discover first. It’s all ok — just a delay of game.  In the meantime I will continue to pursue my purpose and work toward self-actualization.  What’s YOUR purpose?

So here is the chronicle of hair loss:   

Monday 3/31  Beetlejuice

Tuesday 4/1 Coconut – not a good look 🙁

 4/1  Shaved

 4/1  Acceptance 🙂

Love to all!

My finish line moved

Ten days since my first chemo treatment and I feel like bitching umm… sharing some updates. Saturday and Sunday of the first weekend were the worst. Bone and joint pain from Neulasta shot were extremely painful. Achy, throbby pain and an overall feeling of weirdness — like boat legs, + hangover + Nyquil.  Feeling better each day, but tired and still in discomfort from surgery. I did have some nausea, but no actual vomiting.  My taste has changed; things just taste different. Of course, that hasn’t affected my appetite or eagerness to eat, but strangely food is much less exciting. No hair loss yet; I check my root strength obsessively.
Setback:  I was informed last Sunday night that my school administrators think it best that I not return to my placement until after chemo. While I admit it is for the best, to say I’m feeling saddened and disheartened is an understatement. We have students who bathe infrequently, come from “less than savory” homes, sneeze, cough, fail to wash hands… kids are germy!  If I were to catch a cold or bug, it could be dangerous. I get it, but my finish line keeps moving and I’m losing steam. I reached a place of acceptance, but I get down and I’m allowed to be down. So, I was not in school last week nor will I be for the remainder of my chemo.  My last dose is scheduled for 5/15. There will not be enough days left in the calendar for me to get all of my student teaching days in before the end of this school year. I may be able to teach over the summer and accrue required hours then, but I’m still not sure. Worst case is that I may have to go back in the fall so that I can observe/teach in a “traditional” classroom setting (as opposed to weird summer school dynamics).  I still have to formulate a plan.
When I was first diagnosed, I worried about surgery and believed that might just be all. I expected a low recurrence score; I’d deal with the physical/surgical pain and muscle through. Nope. Chemo/compromised immune system, crap. School delay – crappity crap.  I just want to finish! My finish line for school was supposed to be 5/9. Graduation shortly thereafter. Then I would accept a job, spend the summer preparing my classroom, take a much needed vacation in anticipation of a steady paycheck, reward the girls for their patience, spoil them a little…no, A LOT and now… $%&@!, &%$!, &%$#!
My girls will forever have to say, “My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10/12” and I hate that. As though this age isn’t difficult enough. They are the MOST AMAZING girls ever. Exemplary students; magnet programs for both (Delia was recently accepted yay!), beautiful, conscientious, kind, confident. I try so hard to be the epitome of strength and maintain normalcy for them, but sometimes I fail. Fear, anxiety and sadness take a toll on a person. I try not to break in front of my girls, but sometimes I do. It breaks my heart to see my daughters sad or scared — It’s a lot of work to be stoic.

I committed to one tough year in school. I expected a strong finish and a reward at the end.  Not that I won’t finish– I know I will, it’ll just take a little longer and that adds to the burden. I put assignments on the back burner in January to focus on health, family, and recovery. I still have those requirements to complete, and I’ve lost the wind in my sails. The battle has been elevated in emotional arena this week. So today, I will dig for the motivation to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I can with this crappy situation, because it’s not going away. Gotta find a way get the motivation back to get this job done and finish strong… no matter where the finish line is. 
Love to all, D

Weeelll???

I am blown away by the show of support and encouraging words from so many loved ones. My life path has led me through an array of some really freaking amazing people… from elementary school friendships, to once close but now distant relationships, to friends of friends. But the common human sentiments I have seen and felt literal heartwarming love from are compassion and concern. You can read, you can look, you can look away, but you take the time to share and encourage and for that I feel truly blessed.   Call me a tad egocentric, but I could chalk it up to the fact that perhaps I have at one time or another influenced each person who chooses to read this or comment on FB.  Maybe only recently have I become an influence or inspiration – wasn’t my mission but if that’s what I’ve done, than I am humbled. A diagnosis of cancer does not by its nature necessarily make one become an inspiration; I assume it’s the bravery, attitude or message that one might adopt when faced with a scary diagnosis is what matters. I too can learn from this and find ways to continue to be an inspiration even after this is far behind me. I also hope to document my observations and include them in my research project required for school.  As an up and coming educator, I plan to influence many little lives and if making human connections is the key to influence/ inspiration, I may be on to something. Common Core/Career and College Readiness may just be lacking in the domains of human compassion and connection.    Anyway…I know… quit rambling.  To answer the big question- I am doing well.  I’ll be honest, the first treatment was scary, but mostly because of the unknowns.  What will it feel like?  Will it hurt? When will I feel nauseous? Will I look sick? When will I lose my hair?!?  I felt great last night; really nothing different than the ordinary late in the week drag.  I slept well (thank you Xanax). Today I went for a Neulasta shot.  That is administered the day after chemo and boosts the immune system by increasing white blood cell/bone marrow production. Side effects include aching joints, bones and muscles.  Nurse said many patients describe flu-like symptoms and bone “throbbing” – sounds pleasant. Strangely, they recommend OTC Claritin (yes, the allergy med – they don’t know why, but it’s a pretty recent discovery from what they explained) and Tylenol or Advil. The nausea and overall stomach discomfort kinda goes along with that too.
I went to school today; I felt fine and had a pretty normal day. It’s great to keep busy, because it seems that in the quiet moments, I begin to ponder and ruminate ad nauseum.  May have to make some changes in my placement as there are concerns about my immunity and ability to maintain good health being around so many young, germy students.  I’m hoping to wait to see how I feel so that I can continue as long as possible.  I also get a CBC blood draw on 4/1 to check my white blood count so that might help to assess the situation.
Right now I am beginning to feel a just tad nauseous and typical Friday tired but overall good.  I appreciate the questions and suggestions, I may not always answer, but I read them all! 
So life sucks sometimes, you’re surrounded by idiots, you might feel like crap, you’re stressed, depressed, busy, broke…whatever. Find  your peace. Cheezy maybe, but it’s there. Trite, but that whole “it is in giving that we receive” thing?  Yea, we need more of that. Thanks ya’ll for sharing your support.  It means more than you can imagine.  Cheezy mode… out.  Love to ALL!!
Enjoy the various personalities of the hair.  Here’s another one. I told you I can go Diana Ross… and this hasn’t even been touched by a comb!