Author: admin

On Happiness

You are responsible for your own happiness. If you expect others to make you happy chances are you’ll always end up disappointed. I love this…it really speaks to me.

When listening to people discuss relationships or incompatibilities, It is not uncommon to hear, “he/she didn’t make me happy”… as if to suggest that happiness is someone else’s responsibility. (Get your highlighter ready) Finding happiness involves personal responsibility. Furthermore, taking personal responsibility means not blaming others for your unhappiness. It means figuring out ways to be happy despite any perceived negative influence, or external circumstances. A person who has taken personal responsibility for his own happiness (or any emotion for that matter) will discover a valuable insight about happiness: your happiness depends more upon your attitude and effort than it does on objective, external circumstances or on the influence of another. Thus, to say s/he didn’t make me happy is to waive personal responsibility. Let me paraphrase that: Your happiness depends more upon your attitude and your personal responsibility than the influence of another person.

That whole “you get out what you put in” philosophy rings very true in terms of long-term sustainable, true happiness. The reward is contingent upon the amount of effort you invest (in you); the product is a result of the quality of ingredients you put into the mix. If you don’t personally invest in putting in the work to cultivate internal, soul-satisfying happiness, you will likely never find it through external sources, and certainly not from one specific person. So s/he didn’t make me happy actually translates to I was unhappy due to my lack of personal responsibility.

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Then there is the pseudo-solution of chasing happiness through temporary fixes or dopamine hits. Seeking zen-like true internal happiness through external/artificial sources or other avenues is like chasing rainbows. You can have fun, you can have enjoyable times of entertainment, but they are temporary. “I had fun”, “that was a blast” doesn’t translate to deep personal fulfilment and overall happiness. i.e. ultimate personal happiness/contentment cannot be achieved through sporadic bouts of pseudo-entertainment. When you avoid taking personal responsibility and rely upon others, or single-dose entertainment (movies, games, alcohol, drugs, skydiving…) to create happiness you embark on an elusive quest toward a mirage. Now there is the “fake it ‘til you make it” strategy which is a viable and tested method, but that still requires repetition, insight, personal moral inventory, and adjunct personal responsibility. The reality is that it is not the artificial sweetener activities that bring happiness, it’s the personal connections that we make and satisfying emotional connections that we share when we spend time during these activities that lead to joy and fulfilment.

So if the theory is people (a person) can’t make you happy we can then go on to imply they can’t make you sad, they can’t make you angry they can’t make you motivated. What we really mean is they can’t be the source of sustained happiness, sadness, anger or any emotion for that matter. A person can make us laugh, can enrage us, can piss us off, can motivate us. You can become happy, sad or mad because of their actions, but ultimately you control your long-term behavior and emotions. Semantics maybe, but it really is a mindset that requires a deeper personal understanding of the reason for your emotions. You do not become a happy, sad or angry person because of another’s input or influence. These are deep seeded personality traits for which one must take personal responsibility. Maybe, just maybe you are an unhappy person, an angry person, a pessimistic person and therein lies the real work and quest… how to change the personality flaw  eerrrr… area in need of improvement. This takes a responsibility and willingness to delve into a true personal inventory. Why do I have problems? Why don’t I have meaningful friendships? Why am I unfulfilled? Why am I unhappy? These are the difficult questions worthy of self investigation….not blame.

Semantics? Maybe. Is it fair to use the words, “I was unhappy because of the situation or circumstances?” Sure, in many cases, yes. But again, it takes a willingness to take personal responsibility for your emotions. I think that is more workable than simply blaming another. It’s more effort, more shame maybe, more discomfort but worthwhile in the long run and certainly more within your control than waiting for the elusive fairy wand to magically bring joy. 

Now let’s look at situations, circumstances, and lenses. Take a roller coaster –  it might stir feelings of elation, terror, excitement, trepidation… the same stimulus could elicit a different response in many people.  Christmas – a joyful holiday right? Well to a 6 year old, sure. For a single, unemployed mother fear or anxiety.  For a recent widower – loneliness and pain. 

Again, emotions are unique, are based on context and experience. In these examples the feeler may not be “in control” but through personal analysis and introspection can learn to understand and interpret feelings and ultimately manage them. With work, support, personal responsibility, you can become better able to reframe, control, and perhaps change emotions rather than let them take you to dark, unhealthy places OR places of blame and helplessness.

So perhaps the challenge is to change the circumstance or the interpretation? If I want to ride rollercoasters, maybe I can learn to embrace the fear and enjoy the excitement. Maybe the single mother can learn to appreciate the peace and beauty of the holiday and the health rather than the anxiety around monetary gifts. If a person can learn anger management, or coping strategies to manage anxiety, one could surmise that a person can learn to cultivate personal  happiness rather than rely on someone to to provide it or by blaming someone for its absence. The same way you can learn to control anger to keep it within healthy parameters, you should be able to learn happiness by taking steps to cultivate it. 

My point is, if the negative emotion or input of a situation or relationship is uncomfortable, it is a matter or addressing, reframing or fixing the narrative, and taking personal responsibility, (did I drop that term enough – personal responsibility?)  an not blaming or relying upon the person or the relationship to determine your perceived level of happiness. Unmotivated? Dig for it. Unfulfilled? Search for it. Unhappy? Change it. I’m not saying do it alone. Find the support, fake it ‘til you make it, read, research, redo, try, put in the work. But blame, apathy, denial, rationalization? These are called defense mechanisms for a reason. (Defense: the action of defending from or resisting attack)  Nope… that’s not gonna make it happen. Defense will block any progress and is an opposing force to change. So, go on the offensive and take control of your happiness. Make those changes. If you expect others to make you happy, chances are you’ll always be disappointed.  

Screw you 2020… it’s go time. Offense wins games.

The Value of Reflection

The word of the the day is REFLECTION.  Not the kind in the mirror, and certainly not the bouncing of light from a shiny surface. The kind of reflection where you assess your own behavior. 

It’s ironic that one definition of REFLECTION is “the throwing back by a body or surface without absorbing it, while the other is “serious thought or consideration”.  The two are kind of in opposition –throwing back without absorbing and serious thought (i.e. absorbing)…. weird. So why is REFLECTION my word du jour (du month)?  Because lately I have encountered numerous people who have no clue about the value of true reflection but instead prefer retaliation and/or deflection. Thus, my Lemonade Life Lesson is the skill and value of REFLECTION. I think I’ve gotten kind of good at it so why not share my knowledge –  I hope you can grab a takeaway!

For much of my adult life – in art classes, therapy, school to become a therapist, professional development and after teacher observation/evaluation I have been forced required to REFLECT in numerous professional capacities.  My career choice(s) have come with the the process of reflection and I feel that it is a VALUABLE tool that everyone should learn. Throughout my studies in art, psychology, therapy and education I was required to subject myself to scrutiny in the effort of becoming better – a better artist, therapist, teacher; a better person.  How many other professions are required to actually reflect on their efficacy and make changes – ultimately working toward growth and professionalism?  No seriously – it’s a rhetorical question, but I actually wonder. Do you REFLECT? And upon reflection, do you have an objective person or team of people give you feedback on your willingness to take a look at your areas in need of improvement? AND THEN follow up so see how that growth went? 

Therapy is an amazing outlet – If you’ve never done it, I strongly recommend it. I was required to go during the process while obtaining my MA in art therapy. Takes one to know one sort of thing – and I actually learned a ton about the process of therapy and about myself. Thus, I feel I have become a pretty good reflector.  And not a DEFLECTOR as many people are. True reflection requires that concept of vulnerability. To become a reflector, you must allow yourself to become vulnerable – open yourself up to what just might be some uncomfortable truths. To DEFLECT and defend, you simply fight the hard, uncomfortable fight and guess what happens – nothing! No growth – no improvement!  To truly REFLECT you need to look at the areas in need of improvement  *really analyze* invest in some “serious thought or consideration” and think about how you could have behaved, acted or responded differently. Along with that comes growth and more positive outcomes – peace, love, happiness for others! 

Take an art course –  seriously – I mean ENROLL in one. Let me tell you about CRITIQUE day? Oh that’s fun. Your peers and professors are given carte blanche to tear you and your creation up, and guess what – it makes you a better artist!  You are forced to analyze mistakes, technique, and overall product. During supervision while working to become a therapist – you are scrutinized for every decision and missed opportunity. And guess what – it makes you a better therapist. During professional observation in the classroom, an administrator sits silently in your classroom vehemently taking notes in on numerous parameters from your classroom setup, professionalism, tone, interaction, lesson effectiveness  –  I could go on. And then you discuss it, and analyze what you could have done differently/better. Oh it’s not comfortable; it stings a little, but upon true REFLECTION you learn to say, OH YES – I see how I could improve there! People aren’t mean – evaluators, peers – they are there to give you an objective opinion about what you may not see…your “blind spots” if you will, for which you need REFLECTION (mirrors) to see. If you defend it -or retaliate against them – you miss it. You miss the opportunity for growth and TOO many people do this!! Sure it’s painful to hear all of the ways that you might suck, but if you really listen you might not suck so much in the future.

Do we get formal life evaluations and critiques?  Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that interaction with your neighbor the the other day? Do you think you could have stated your opinion in a more assertive, yet non-confrontational way? Do you think your word choice and body language was effectively communicating the message you wished to convey? Do you think you could have done something differently that might have contributed to a more positive outcome prior tothe conflict?  Do you think your choices and decisions were made with integrity and are in the best interest of those in your life? That’s the meat and potatoes right there. OR are you sitting on your high horse and thinking your neighbor is just an A$$#@!* and your conflict has absolutely nothing to do with your contribution or lack thereof.  

SO if this gets you in the feels – maybe it’s time to reflect. I mean really REFLECT. Nope, not defend, excuse, rationalize, retaliate or blame. REFLECT. It takes TIME, practice,repetition and vulnerability. Practice REFLECTION. Maybe you can discover something about yourself. Maybe you will see a blind spot or area in need of improvement and maybe, just maybe see how different your outcomes might be. Be open to that constructive criticism – people aren’t just jerks. Those tough words you don’t like to hear – maybe it’s you? Hmmm… REFLECT on that!

Much Love,

D.

Rainy days and quarantine

We head to the beach for sun and fun; to relax with our toes in the sand, get a golden glow and refresh with the warmth of the sun and in crashing, splashing water. There is just something about the beach (sorry my Colorado friends) let’s just say water and sun, that is therapeutic.

Then there is rain… or in today’s case Tropical Storm Fay. Rain on your parade puts a damper on the day. BUT as I sit and type, my kids are laughing with their cousins. My family is safe under one wet roof. I am completely relaxed and at peace and I am thrilled that they are making their own fun.

I expect the kids will play some sort of game, watch a movie, make some great rainy day snacks and build memories of time spent doing fun little nothings.

We were all scattered yesterday… some in the pool, some at the beach, some napping, some biking. There are always plenty of options at the beach and I’m fairly certain everyone had a great day. It’s easy to find fun when life or weather cooperates. Then there is rain, or COVID, or some other road block.

Rainy days come and go and on these days, it’s time to get creative, change the plan and work through the boredom. Put the phone down, turn the TV off and make memories. Play a game, invent a game, bake some cookies, make some coffee, have a conversation with someone, read a book, walk in the rain, reconnect with a friend, or just BE. I’m sure you’ve heard, “there’s nothing to do!” That is exactly the time to be creative. Sometimes we don’t need something to do.

COVID may have slowed us down, shut us in, or forced us to limit socialization. Rainy days are the same. Hopefully we can learn to rethink, reconnect, be creative, do projects…dig up some old school fun.

Lemonade Life Lesson: I’m bored means I lack creativity. Rainy days and quarantine can make us stir crazy. Get back to being creative and finding ways to alleviate boredom without canned (digital) entertainment. Unplug, play a game, make something, bake, connect with a friend, complete a project…there are hundreds of things you can do that don’t involve a TV, phone or laptop. Go do one!

The World Needs Good Humans

I guess since you are here and you are reading you’re curious. Thanks! You probably want to find something helpful that you can take away AND you want to find insight and inspiration to find ways to sweeten your bitter moments? So what is this Doreen person going to teach me? You’re probably thinking – go ahead… inspire me.

When I was starting this blog, I was encouraged to find a niche… a specialty if you will. My niche is life lessons. I bring a good amount of life experience to the arena, I have a strong background in psychology, and I am a teacher. I have learned to reflect and adjust. I have found that learning from mistakes and being willing to grow are critical skills to happiness.

One specialty, and one of my proudest accomplishment(s) is raising kids. My daughters are the most incredible people you will ever meet. No, seriously they are. Not kidding… and yours (although they probably are already) can be too. Parenting is not innate – it’s something that can be learned and improved upon with self-reflection and adjustment. I will never be Mother of the Year, and I have made PLENTY of mistakes, but I try my best to reflect, adjust, apologize and share. Reflection can be tough, but it is truly a critically important skill. If nothing changes, nothing changes… makes sense, right?

Today’s lesson: The most important lesson…the most important lesson that will help you and the rest of the world: Parenting 101 – RAISING GREAT KIDS.

My kids asked me to write a “How To” book so they can refer to it when they have kids. So here you go – this is something I started a while ago. These are the bullet points. I will make the complete version with examples and elaboration available another time.

The world needs good humans. It is your responsibility to be the best parent for your sweeties. Here are my life lessons for raising great kids.

My daughters know this above all else…

I may not always love what you do, but I will always love you. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. I love you endlessly.

If you made it this far, I sincerely thank you for valuing my thoughts. I truly hope you can take something from this little lesson. Please share, and follow me on my quest to help find the sweetness in life!

Much Love,

Doreen

Sometimes you gotta get a little goofy!

Behavior, Emotions & COVID

https://ourworldindata.org/mortality-risk-covid

Today’s Lesson: Data, Statistics, Behavior and Emotion Regarding COVID-19

I’m a bit of a research nerd. There is a back story behind numbers and data can be skewed in many ways. This is one of the most informative articles that I’ve found. Here’s the important part in a nutshell- I’ve extracted it for you. Now before you get all angry if get something wrong, give grace as I am a first grade teacher and do this data thing as a hobby. I just thought it was interesting and that I would save you some time and reading. You’re welcome. 

When discussing COVID-19 and the risks there is important data to consider:

Here are some relevant acronyms and definitions that I have extracted.

CFR Case Fatality Rate – The risk of dying if infected with COVID-19

The number who have died divided by the number infected (tested and confirmed).

CMR Crude Mortality Rate – The likelihood that any individual will die in an entire population.

Number of deaths divided by the total population.

IFR Infection Mortality Rate – The total number of deaths if everyone in the population were tested.

Total number of cases divided by total number of deaths given the entire population is tested.

*This is basically irrelevant because not everyone will be tested. 

So now with these definitions we can run numbers. Let’s use relatively recent Washington County, MD data where I live, and NYC data. For those in other counties you can do the same if you have your stats.

Washington County, MD 

Population: 151,049

Confirmed Cases: 743

Deaths: 29

CFR – 29/743 = .039

CMR – 29/151,049 = .00019

New York City, NY

Population: 8,399,000

Confirmed Cases: 217,230

Deaths: 23,371

CFR – 217,230 / 23,371 = .1

CMR – 23,371/8,399,000 = .002

*IFR Irrelevant/impossible to calculate given that not everyone will be tested.

As you can see the numbers are very different, however what I find the most relevant for my decisions and fear is the CMR (Crude Mortality Rate – the likelihood of death in a particular population).  According to current statistics, I figure I have an approximately .00019 chance of dying from COVID-19 in Washington County, MD (approximately 1 in 5,000). Would my likelihood increase if I lived in NYC where the total population is higher and much more dense? According to statistics, yes but I could also be older, I could suffer from other health illnesses which could make me more likely to die which also by the way statistics. Your particular situation is unique and remember, stats are just averages.

CFR needs a context…a location, a population. New York’s numbers were alarming; the number of cases and deaths were skyrocketing in the beginning. Well of course – the population of NYC alone is 8.4 million and it is a densely populated city. People are crammed in a small space and social distancing is a huge challenge. Clearly the CFR can vary among locations or sound alarming given a particular population.

Our behavior/decisions regarding COVID-19 is affected by data and statistics can change dramatically with the number of newly tested individuals, newly confirmed cases and newly reported deaths. For example, if in one week 10 people were diagnosed and 1 died the CFR would be 1/10 = .1. In 3 weeks if 50 people were diagnosed and 2 died the CFR would be 2/50 – .04 big difference, right? Again, data can be skewed and interpreted given many factors.

So using relatively current data… if infected with COVID-19 you have a .039 (lets’s say .4) chance of dying.  That means given 100 people confirmed, 4 may die. Of 25 people 1 may die – IF INFECTED. In Washington County approximately 1 of every 5,000 people may die just doing what they do.

The bottom line is given appropriate mask wearing precautions, and being in overall good health there is a low risk of death. There… I said it. HOWEVER, if it were your child, that ONE would be the reason. Is your child immunocompromised? Does your friend have asthma? Does your father have COPD?

We were asked to quarantine to flatten the curve and avoid overwhelming the health care system NOT to eradicate the virus. The virus is still around and we should still be socially responsible to wear masks and prevent the spread to vulnerable populations. Part of me says the risk is low, let’s just get back to normal. Go to school, play sports, live normally but cautiously. The other part says, if I can do my part by embracing the decisions made my our Governor, Board of Education, and other decision makers I will.

If that ONE were yours would you be happy? Do your part. Be socially responsible and show your care for others.

Thanks for reading. Stay informed! 

    Much Love… D

    July 20, 2014

    I am about two months post my last chemo and am feeling great. I have almost full energy now and my blood levels are near normal. Reconstructive surgery is scheduled for Friday, August 8th (YAY!)  I hope to be healing nicely and ready to roll when the new school year begins!  I think I am starting to behave like a teacher too. I SCORED at Joann’s clearance rack. Dollar items were 70% off so I hoarded stacks of goodies for 30 cents a pop. I’m stockpiling supplies in my basement; collecting ideas, resources and even décor for a classroom.  I will resume student teaching when school starts and plan to be finished with all requirements by late fall if I count my days right. I am so excited to get back in the swing of things and get this career rolling!
    Details: (more for me than for anything because I reeeaally want to remember this) The tissue expanders are bizarre!  I get between 60-90 cc’s in each side at each fill which is about 2-3oz.  My plastic surgeon inserts a needle through my skin into a one way valve and squeezes in saline from a syringe.  They literally grow before my very eyes. The needle is not painful because I have no feeling in my breasts, but as the tissue and muscles tighten and stretch it becomes a bit uncomfortable. I am as expanded as much as I would like to be, probably even a little bigger and let me tell ya – these things are hard as rocks!  I wish I had a way to document the consistency. They truly feel like a sport ball of some sort –they don’t move at all, they give way to pressure but only slightly, and I am certain I would bounce if I fell.  I am told the implants are much more natural.  These temporary things are just doing their job and stretching tissue but they are so unnatural. They aren’t really painful but are more uncomfortable and annoying. I am looking forward to surgery so I can get a little closer to having normal anatomy. I will forever be without the “centerpieces” as I was unable to have sparing surgery, but I plan to have those details tattooed on later. There is an amazing artist in Baltimore that my friend Ann and I plan to use. Roadtrip, Anne! Can’t wait for my very own trompe l’oeil masterpiece(s).
    Summer is going great. We’re enjoying a nice blend of busy and relaxing. We were able to take a lovely trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with amazingly generous friends (Thanks Corey and Angie!) We planned to visit my friend Amy for the long 4th  of July weekend, but she threw out her back L  The Ludemans invited us to join them for a few days and we graciously accepted.  We felt the girls deserved a getaway too.  What a beautiful place – we had a fantastic  time! 
    I am coordinating and teaching gymnastics camp for three weeks. So far it’s been a blast.  We have about 14 kids each week and we keep them busy! It feels great to be active, using muscles, and having fun with the kiddos –and my girls get to attend so it’s been a win-win. I’ll be doing some painting for the set of an Annie production for a local theater company and I am so excited to be doing artwork – you know I’m all about the therapeutic properties of art-making!
    So I’m really just trying to resume normalcy. Life goes on. I am often asked, “So what’s next?” Well, I see my oncologist in a month, then three months, then six, then annually.  I find peace knowing I have done all I can do to insure cancer will not return.  I’ve done my part, my docs have done theirs, the meds theirs. I have my surgery and any follow ups for aesthetic enhancement, I see my docs when they send reminder cards, I wait patiently for my hair to grow back and I  live as though I am cancer free. That’s all I can do.  Am I afraid? Sometimes. Will it stifle me? Certainly not.
    I am near completion of my action research project subtitled, A study of the effects of breast cancer on my self-efficacy as an educator. The paper is the product of an in-depth study of my process. This self-study methodology was super enlightening. I am attaching a link to a video accompaniment that I made and I hope you will  visit.  I thought most would prefer that to 30 pages of introspection!  In it I pose the questions, “What’s your problem?” and “What’s your pedagogy?” (the art or method of teaching) I hope it is thought provoking to not only my teacher friends and professors who will critique my work, but for all who may take the time to process how struggles and challenges define their way of living.  My basic messages is that while we all have problems, how we manage them is an indicator of our character and by finding ways to manage them we learn and grow.  Boy have I grown!

    July 10, 2014

    AT LAST…
    Well, it’s been some time since my last blog and while I’ve been crossing milestones and collecting thoughts I haven’t put fingers to keyboard.  Today is the last day of school for the kids. The last day of elementary for my amazing little Delia. The last day of 7th grade for my incredible Devin.  There have been a lot of notable “lasts” in the past few weeks and months.  I realize, however, that these lasts are simply mile markers along the road.  We take photos of the last day of school, on vacation, in the hospital, with a cast, with a loved one… some lasts are celebratory and some are heartbreaking; some are both.   Lasts however, don’t necessarily have to be the highlight of the era. The important part is to utilize these lasts as identifiers of a significant time. We may not remember the significance of the 73rd day of school, but it may have been a tremendous day that will sadly go unnoticed and even pale in comparison to the last day of school. No photos, no Facebook status updates.  We would never know that a day spent with a loved one might just be the last day we spend, yet we often focus on that day.  “That was the last time I saw him.” 
    I guess what I’m thinking today is that we should take a little more time to notice the in-betweens and give just a little less credence to the lasts.  My last chemo was May 15th.  Alas it is nearly one month later. Certainly I will remember that day/date probably forever as an anniversary of an era – a mile marker if you will, and I will fondly remember the day more importantly because I spent it with wonderful friends whom I have known for decades. Additionally, I presented what I had compiled thus far for my action research project along with my classmates at school. I will remember the weeks and months leading up to the last day — the thoughts, feelings and emotions as an organic, kinesthetic blob during this era in my life with helpful little date stamps along the way.  January 2nd  diagnosis – last day of normalcy for a while, January 30th surgery – last day with boobs, May 15th  -last day of chemo.  Yes, many lasts.   Lasts give us a reason to gather, to celebrate, to remember so for this reason they are worthwhile and necessary, but I can probably guarantee that that last day of elementary school, high school, with that special someone, or while in good health is NOT the most noteworthy day of that particular time period, but can be better utilized as a time stamp… a page separator. Take time to savor the in-between — the big sandwich with many layers of flavor and texture not because of the bread on the outside — that just keeps it all together in a neat little manageable bundle.  The complexity of layers and flavors are what make a sandwich delicious – not the bread. Maya Angelou who sadly spent her last day alive on May 28th 2014 was quoted as having said, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”   I love this quote and use it because I agree that memories are linked to feelings and emotions. Fortunately we have photos and clouds to document and store our experiences, but what we carry with us is our memories.  I don’t know about you, but I remember feelings, situations, laughs, heartaches… I can’t tell you dates of many of the most enjoyable & memorable yet insignificant moments in my life, nor do I have photos, pamphlets, or programs.  Honestly the undocumented, non-noteworthy, gut-splitting, laugh until you pee your pants, cry until you’re dry, chat until the wee hours, play like you haven’t a care in the world moments and days are the most memorable for me.     So no, I didn’t blog around the time of my *last day of chemo* but perhaps it was not as significant as it seemed it should be.  I have many more lasts and more importantly more what will become memorable days ahead.
    Happy mile marker and end of a time period for many of my friends on this last day of school – I hope the year was enjoyable and you have many fantastic memories of insignificant dates to savor!  Love to all.
    Health updates:  Feeling great, hair is growing back a little – looks like a kiwi, I started taking Tamoxifin – the maintenance drug that I will be on for like 5-10 years (no kidding).  I’m feeling stronger and overall pretty healthy. I resumed fills in the expanders and will hopefully have reconstruction surgery in the next few months.  The road to looking normal is the next phase – still wearing hats and penciling in my eyebrows, but I’ll get there. 

    April 8, 2014

    What’s Your Purpose?

    As I continue to journal my process, I commit to leaving myself open to critique. As I leave myself open to critique, I build confidence, strength, and peace of mind knowing that (I hope) I ammaking an impact, in some small way thus, I receive an indirect sense of accomplishment. I can’t measure the impact yet, but I plan to infiltrate many brains subliminally and assess the behavior of my loved ones 😉   I’ve learned that a sense of accomplishment and influence is what I need to keep me motivated.
    I hit kind of a slump, a depression if you will.  I’m ok… been working on my self-help skills.  I have identified, however, that this has been compounded by a lack of achievement or accomplishment, and is not simply because of a crappy diagnosis. I’m out of the classroom, can’t work with the kiddos, have to delay graduation… yadda,  yadda, yadda…. I can’t do what brings me happiness (cheezy but true) and decisions were not my own.  SO, in the meantime, I figured I could build my self–esteem and shake the depression by shamelessly posting photos of my plight and touting my ego strength. Please don’t feel obligated to tell me how amazing I am; this is all in the effort of sharing a situation, finding strength, and inspiring others – not to elicit an ego stroking.  If you simply read and acknowledge, “Heck, I guess things could be worse.” Well, then I’ve made an impact.  Or you’ve said, “Dang, despite that crappy deal, she’s still smiling. What’s MY problem?” Again, I’ve made an impact. Tell me that!!  Thanks for letting me know I can rock a fedora and pull off bald better than Sinead, but how are YOU affected?!  I DO appreciate the compliments; please don’t think me ungrateful! BUT, I want to know if my strength/outlook has inspired you, and more importantly – HOW?  I want to get to a place where I can actually collect data and assess the impact I have had. So please… share!!  Seriously, FB inbox me, email me, or post something.  I would love to know if I have inspired you in some way. See, now this is worthwhile.
    Updates: Chemo on Thursday 4/3 was ok.  Two down, two to go. I had another amazing friend join me for four hours of therapeutic nonsense. Felt like crap on Saturday and Sunday. Again, the bone and joint pain were the worst.  I was a little more nauseous, and “tossed” for the first and only time, but I think I just had too heavy a meal and it was just not sitting right.  I am more tired than usual, but don’t think I have that sickly chemo look yet.  My blood counts are ok thanks to the Neulasta shots; white counts were on the low end of normal and red/hemoglobin was a little below normal but not too low to require transfusions or fear being super immunosuppressed. My Onco will continue to monitor before the next treatment.  The good news is that showers take two minutes, I’m saving a ton in hair products, and I haven’t worn a proper bra since January!
    Friends want to know about the hair. You reaaally want to know. It went fast! Despite the embarrassment, I am reminding myself to be brave and share the process. It takes courage and strength, but why not put it out there? Learn from the pics, share if you want to, but don’t judge.
    My hair started thinning about two weeks after my first chemo. In the shower, I would comb conditioner through with my fingers and be left with fingers full of hair. (see photos) I was shedding a ton. I filled a gallon sized baggie full of hair in three days. After a few days of that, I had Devin cut it to chin length in a spontaneous need for control. Yes, I allowed my 12 year old to cut my locks – it was that urgent. Curls are really forgiving and she has quite a lovely gift for hair artistry! She took off about 6-8 inches and left me with the thin curly bob. Next, my scalp started to show and my hair became super thin and scraggly. I told myself that when I started to look sickly, I would buzz.  I wore a hat for two more days and then gave up – think Beetlejuice… it was that creepy.  Hubby got out the clippers and took off the rest.  I first went for the number two fade and decided that I looked like a coconut – not a good look.  So, went for the buzzers and got rid of all of it.  Took another shower to get rid of the itch, put on some makeup and a hat and rocked the look the best I could.
    Observations: I really like hats and big earrings.  I find the wig a little ridiculous, feel like a sideshow fortune teller in a scarf, and straight up bald is just too cold! Insights: A needy ego isn’t my motivation for divulging, but a strengthened one is the unexpected side effect. If I gain strength, then thank you for allowing me to thicken my skin by being vulnerable.  There is strength in vulnerability.Vulnerable and confident – cool coexistence.  (Note to self: Research idea – teenagers and vulnerability?)So what I’ve processed is that I am not necessarily down because of my diagnosis, or my surgery, or my bald head. I really think I’m ok with those things. I’m sad because I can’t do what I want to do and miss the sense of accomplishment that comes as a result. It’s the definition of accomplishment or internal/intrinsic reward that I need to reevaluate. People deal with loss all the time.  How then do they maintain their optimism and stay motivated? I think it has to do with finding a purpose and mission. Maslow was on to something in his theory of human motivation– 1943, huh?  Pretty solid stuff.   Look at this as it relates to social media: I am so pursuing self-actualization!

    Maybe I’m being diverted because I have something I need to discover first. It’s all ok — just a delay of game.  In the meantime I will continue to pursue my purpose and work toward self-actualization.  What’s YOUR purpose?

    So here is the chronicle of hair loss:   

    Wednesday 3/26  Starting to lose it – one shower’s worth
    Friday 3/28 Devin’s work
    Sunday 3/30 Getting thin

    Monday 3/31  Beetlejuice

    Tuesday 4/1 Coconut – not a good look 🙁

     4/1  Shaved

     4/1  Acceptance 🙂

    Love to all!

    March 24, 2014

    My finish line moved

    Ten days since my first chemo treatment and I feel like bitching umm… sharing some updates. Saturday and Sunday of the first weekend were the worst. Bone and joint pain from Neulasta shot were extremely painful. Achy, throbby pain and an overall feeling of weirdness — like boat legs, + hangover + Nyquil.  Feeling better each day, but tired and still in discomfort from surgery. I did have some nausea, but no actual vomiting.  My taste has changed; things just taste different. Of course, that hasn’t affected my appetite or eagerness to eat, but strangely food is much less exciting. No hair loss yet; I check my root strength obsessively.
    Setback:  I was informed last Sunday night that my school administrators think it best that I not return to my placement until after chemo. While I admit it is for the best, to say I’m feeling saddened and disheartened is an understatement. We have students who bathe infrequently, come from “less than savory” homes, sneeze, cough, fail to wash hands… kids are germy!  If I were to catch a cold or bug, it could be dangerous. I get it, but my finish line keeps moving and I’m losing steam. I reached a place of acceptance, but I get down and I’m allowed to be down. So, I was not in school last week nor will I be for the remainder of my chemo.  My last dose is scheduled for 5/15. There will not be enough days left in the calendar for me to get all of my student teaching days in before the end of this school year. I may be able to teach over the summer and accrue required hours then, but I’m still not sure. Worst case is that I may have to go back in the fall so that I can observe/teach in a “traditional” classroom setting (as opposed to weird summer school dynamics).  I still have to formulate a plan.
    When I was first diagnosed, I worried about surgery and believed that might just be all. I expected a low recurrence score; I’d deal with the physical/surgical pain and muscle through. Nope. Chemo/compromised immune system, crap. School delay – crappity crap.  I just want to finish! My finish line for school was supposed to be 5/9. Graduation shortly thereafter. Then I would accept a job, spend the summer preparing my classroom, take a much needed vacation in anticipation of a steady paycheck, reward the girls for their patience, spoil them a little…no, A LOT and now… $%&@!, &%$!, &%$#!
    My girls will forever have to say, “My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10/12” and I hate that. As though this age isn’t difficult enough. They are the MOST AMAZING girls ever. Exemplary students; magnet programs for both (Delia was recently accepted yay!), beautiful, conscientious, kind, confident. I try so hard to be the epitome of strength and maintain normalcy for them, but sometimes I fail. Fear, anxiety and sadness take a toll on a person. I try not to break in front of my girls, but sometimes I do. It breaks my heart to see my daughters sad or scared — It’s a lot of work to be stoic.

    I committed to one tough year in school. I expected a strong finish and a reward at the end.  Not that I won’t finish– I know I will, it’ll just take a little longer and that adds to the burden. I put assignments on the back burner in January to focus on health, family, and recovery. I still have those requirements to complete, and I’ve lost the wind in my sails. The battle has been elevated in emotional arena this week. So today, I will dig for the motivation to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I can with this crappy situation, because it’s not going away. Gotta find a way get the motivation back to get this job done and finish strong… no matter where the finish line is. 
    Love to all, D

    March 14, 2014

    Weeelll???

    I am blown away by the show of support and encouraging words from so many loved ones. My life path has led me through an array of some really freaking amazing people… from elementary school friendships, to once close but now distant relationships, to friends of friends. But the common human sentiments I have seen and felt literal heartwarming love from are compassion and concern. You can read, you can look, you can look away, but you take the time to share and encourage and for that I feel truly blessed.   Call me a tad egocentric, but I could chalk it up to the fact that perhaps I have at one time or another influenced each person who chooses to read this or comment on FB.  Maybe only recently have I become an influence or inspiration – wasn’t my mission but if that’s what I’ve done, than I am humbled. A diagnosis of cancer does not by its nature necessarily make one become an inspiration; I assume it’s the bravery, attitude or message that one might adopt when faced with a scary diagnosis is what matters. I too can learn from this and find ways to continue to be an inspiration even after this is far behind me. I also hope to document my observations and include them in my research project required for school.  As an up and coming educator, I plan to influence many little lives and if making human connections is the key to influence/ inspiration, I may be on to something. Common Core/Career and College Readiness may just be lacking in the domains of human compassion and connection.    Anyway…I know… quit rambling.  To answer the big question- I am doing well.  I’ll be honest, the first treatment was scary, but mostly because of the unknowns.  What will it feel like?  Will it hurt? When will I feel nauseous? Will I look sick? When will I lose my hair?!?  I felt great last night; really nothing different than the ordinary late in the week drag.  I slept well (thank you Xanax). Today I went for a Neulasta shot.  That is administered the day after chemo and boosts the immune system by increasing white blood cell/bone marrow production. Side effects include aching joints, bones and muscles.  Nurse said many patients describe flu-like symptoms and bone “throbbing” – sounds pleasant. Strangely, they recommend OTC Claritin (yes, the allergy med – they don’t know why, but it’s a pretty recent discovery from what they explained) and Tylenol or Advil. The nausea and overall stomach discomfort kinda goes along with that too.
    I went to school today; I felt fine and had a pretty normal day. It’s great to keep busy, because it seems that in the quiet moments, I begin to ponder and ruminate ad nauseum.  May have to make some changes in my placement as there are concerns about my immunity and ability to maintain good health being around so many young, germy students.  I’m hoping to wait to see how I feel so that I can continue as long as possible.  I also get a CBC blood draw on 4/1 to check my white blood count so that might help to assess the situation.
    Right now I am beginning to feel a just tad nauseous and typical Friday tired but overall good.  I appreciate the questions and suggestions, I may not always answer, but I read them all! 
    So life sucks sometimes, you’re surrounded by idiots, you might feel like crap, you’re stressed, depressed, busy, broke…whatever. Find  your peace. Cheezy maybe, but it’s there. Trite, but that whole “it is in giving that we receive” thing?  Yea, we need more of that. Thanks ya’ll for sharing your support.  It means more than you can imagine.  Cheezy mode… out.  Love to ALL!!
    Enjoy the various personalities of the hair.  Here’s another one. I told you I can go Diana Ross… and this hasn’t even been touched by a comb!