Category: Lemons to Lemonade

You are responsible for your own happiness. If you expect others to make you happy chances are you’ll always end up disappointed. I love this…it really speaks to me.

When listening to people discuss relationships or incompatibilities, It is not uncommon to hear, “he/she didn’t make me happy”… as if to suggest that happiness is someone else’s responsibility. (Get your highlighter ready) Finding happiness involves personal responsibility. Furthermore, taking personal responsibility means not blaming others for your unhappiness. It means figuring out ways to be happy despite any perceived negative influence, or external circumstances. A person who has taken personal responsibility for his own happiness (or any emotion for that matter) will discover a valuable insight about happiness: your happiness depends more upon your attitude and effort than it does on objective, external circumstances or on the influence of another. Thus, to say s/he didn’t make me happy is to waive personal responsibility. Let me paraphrase that: Your happiness depends more upon your attitude and your personal responsibility than the influence of another person.

That whole “you get out what you put in” philosophy rings very true in terms of long-term sustainable, true happiness. The reward is contingent upon the amount of effort you invest (in you); the product is a result of the quality of ingredients you put into the mix. If you don’t personally invest in putting in the work to cultivate internal, soul-satisfying happiness, you will likely never find it through external sources, and certainly not from one specific person. So s/he didn’t make me happy actually translates to I was unhappy due to my lack of personal responsibility.

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Then there is the pseudo-solution of chasing happiness through temporary fixes or dopamine hits. Seeking zen-like true internal happiness through external/artificial sources or other avenues is like chasing rainbows. You can have fun, you can have enjoyable times of entertainment, but they are temporary. “I had fun”, “that was a blast” doesn’t translate to deep personal fulfilment and overall happiness. i.e. ultimate personal happiness/contentment cannot be achieved through sporadic bouts of pseudo-entertainment. When you avoid taking personal responsibility and rely upon others, or single-dose entertainment (movies, games, alcohol, drugs, skydiving…) to create happiness you embark on an elusive quest toward a mirage. Now there is the “fake it ‘til you make it” strategy which is a viable and tested method, but that still requires repetition, insight, personal moral inventory, and adjunct personal responsibility. The reality is that it is not the artificial sweetener activities that bring happiness, it’s the personal connections that we make and satisfying emotional connections that we share when we spend time during these activities that lead to joy and fulfilment.

So if the theory is people (a person) can’t make you happy we can then go on to imply they can’t make you sad, they can’t make you angry they can’t make you motivated. What we really mean is they can’t be the source of sustained happiness, sadness, anger or any emotion for that matter. A person can make us laugh, can enrage us, can piss us off, can motivate us. You can become happy, sad or mad because of their actions, but ultimately you control your long-term behavior and emotions. Semantics maybe, but it really is a mindset that requires a deeper personal understanding of the reason for your emotions. You do not become a happy, sad or angry person because of another’s input or influence. These are deep seeded personality traits for which one must take personal responsibility. Maybe, just maybe you are an unhappy person, an angry person, a pessimistic person and therein lies the real work and quest… how to change the personality flaw  eerrrr… area in need of improvement. This takes a responsibility and willingness to delve into a true personal inventory. Why do I have problems? Why don’t I have meaningful friendships? Why am I unfulfilled? Why am I unhappy? These are the difficult questions worthy of self investigation….not blame.

Semantics? Maybe. Is it fair to use the words, “I was unhappy because of the situation or circumstances?” Sure, in many cases, yes. But again, it takes a willingness to take personal responsibility for your emotions. I think that is more workable than simply blaming another. It’s more effort, more shame maybe, more discomfort but worthwhile in the long run and certainly more within your control than waiting for the elusive fairy wand to magically bring joy. 

Now let’s look at situations, circumstances, and lenses. Take a roller coaster –  it might stir feelings of elation, terror, excitement, trepidation… the same stimulus could elicit a different response in many people.  Christmas – a joyful holiday right? Well to a 6 year old, sure. For a single, unemployed mother fear or anxiety.  For a recent widower – loneliness and pain. 

Again, emotions are unique, are based on context and experience. In these examples the feeler may not be “in control” but through personal analysis and introspection can learn to understand and interpret feelings and ultimately manage them. With work, support, personal responsibility, you can become better able to reframe, control, and perhaps change emotions rather than let them take you to dark, unhealthy places OR places of blame and helplessness.

So perhaps the challenge is to change the circumstance or the interpretation? If I want to ride rollercoasters, maybe I can learn to embrace the fear and enjoy the excitement. Maybe the single mother can learn to appreciate the peace and beauty of the holiday and the health rather than the anxiety around monetary gifts. If a person can learn anger management, or coping strategies to manage anxiety, one could surmise that a person can learn to cultivate personal  happiness rather than rely on someone to to provide it or by blaming someone for its absence. The same way you can learn to control anger to keep it within healthy parameters, you should be able to learn happiness by taking steps to cultivate it. 

My point is, if the negative emotion or input of a situation or relationship is uncomfortable, it is a matter or addressing, reframing or fixing the narrative, and taking personal responsibility, (did I drop that term enough – personal responsibility?)  an not blaming or relying upon the person or the relationship to determine your perceived level of happiness. Unmotivated? Dig for it. Unfulfilled? Search for it. Unhappy? Change it. I’m not saying do it alone. Find the support, fake it ‘til you make it, read, research, redo, try, put in the work. But blame, apathy, denial, rationalization? These are called defense mechanisms for a reason. (Defense: the action of defending from or resisting attack)  Nope… that’s not gonna make it happen. Defense will block any progress and is an opposing force to change. So, go on the offensive and take control of your happiness. Make those changes. If you expect others to make you happy, chances are you’ll always be disappointed.  

Screw you 2020… it’s go time. Offense wins games.

The word of the the day is REFLECTION.  Not the kind in the mirror, and certainly not the bouncing of light from a shiny surface. The kind of reflection where you assess your own behavior. 

It’s ironic that one definition of REFLECTION is “the throwing back by a body or surface without absorbing it, while the other is “serious thought or consideration”.  The two are kind of in opposition –throwing back without absorbing and serious thought (i.e. absorbing)…. weird. So why is REFLECTION my word du jour (du month)?  Because lately I have encountered numerous people who have no clue about the value of true reflection but instead prefer retaliation and/or deflection. Thus, my Lemonade Life Lesson is the skill and value of REFLECTION. I think I’ve gotten kind of good at it so why not share my knowledge –  I hope you can grab a takeaway!

For much of my adult life – in art classes, therapy, school to become a therapist, professional development and after teacher observation/evaluation I have been forced required to REFLECT in numerous professional capacities.  My career choice(s) have come with the the process of reflection and I feel that it is a VALUABLE tool that everyone should learn. Throughout my studies in art, psychology, therapy and education I was required to subject myself to scrutiny in the effort of becoming better – a better artist, therapist, teacher; a better person.  How many other professions are required to actually reflect on their efficacy and make changes – ultimately working toward growth and professionalism?  No seriously – it’s a rhetorical question, but I actually wonder. Do you REFLECT? And upon reflection, do you have an objective person or team of people give you feedback on your willingness to take a look at your areas in need of improvement? AND THEN follow up so see how that growth went? 

Therapy is an amazing outlet – If you’ve never done it, I strongly recommend it. I was required to go during the process while obtaining my MA in art therapy. Takes one to know one sort of thing – and I actually learned a ton about the process of therapy and about myself. Thus, I feel I have become a pretty good reflector.  And not a DEFLECTOR as many people are. True reflection requires that concept of vulnerability. To become a reflector, you must allow yourself to become vulnerable – open yourself up to what just might be some uncomfortable truths. To DEFLECT and defend, you simply fight the hard, uncomfortable fight and guess what happens – nothing! No growth – no improvement!  To truly REFLECT you need to look at the areas in need of improvement  *really analyze* invest in some “serious thought or consideration” and think about how you could have behaved, acted or responded differently. Along with that comes growth and more positive outcomes – peace, love, happiness for others! 

Take an art course –  seriously – I mean ENROLL in one. Let me tell you about CRITIQUE day? Oh that’s fun. Your peers and professors are given carte blanche to tear you and your creation up, and guess what – it makes you a better artist!  You are forced to analyze mistakes, technique, and overall product. During supervision while working to become a therapist – you are scrutinized for every decision and missed opportunity. And guess what – it makes you a better therapist. During professional observation in the classroom, an administrator sits silently in your classroom vehemently taking notes in on numerous parameters from your classroom setup, professionalism, tone, interaction, lesson effectiveness  –  I could go on. And then you discuss it, and analyze what you could have done differently/better. Oh it’s not comfortable; it stings a little, but upon true REFLECTION you learn to say, OH YES – I see how I could improve there! People aren’t mean – evaluators, peers – they are there to give you an objective opinion about what you may not see…your “blind spots” if you will, for which you need REFLECTION (mirrors) to see. If you defend it -or retaliate against them – you miss it. You miss the opportunity for growth and TOO many people do this!! Sure it’s painful to hear all of the ways that you might suck, but if you really listen you might not suck so much in the future.

Do we get formal life evaluations and critiques?  Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that interaction with your neighbor the the other day? Do you think you could have stated your opinion in a more assertive, yet non-confrontational way? Do you think your word choice and body language was effectively communicating the message you wished to convey? Do you think you could have done something differently that might have contributed to a more positive outcome prior tothe conflict?  Do you think your choices and decisions were made with integrity and are in the best interest of those in your life? That’s the meat and potatoes right there. OR are you sitting on your high horse and thinking your neighbor is just an A$$#@!* and your conflict has absolutely nothing to do with your contribution or lack thereof.  

SO if this gets you in the feels – maybe it’s time to reflect. I mean really REFLECT. Nope, not defend, excuse, rationalize, retaliate or blame. REFLECT. It takes TIME, practice,repetition and vulnerability. Practice REFLECTION. Maybe you can discover something about yourself. Maybe you will see a blind spot or area in need of improvement and maybe, just maybe see how different your outcomes might be. Be open to that constructive criticism – people aren’t just jerks. Those tough words you don’t like to hear – maybe it’s you? Hmmm… REFLECT on that!

Much Love,

D.

We head to the beach for sun and fun; to relax with our toes in the sand, get a golden glow and refresh with the warmth of the sun and in crashing, splashing water. There is just something about the beach (sorry my Colorado friends) let’s just say water and sun, that is therapeutic.

Then there is rain… or in today’s case Tropical Storm Fay. Rain on your parade puts a damper on the day. BUT as I sit and type, my kids are laughing with their cousins. My family is safe under one wet roof. I am completely relaxed and at peace and I am thrilled that they are making their own fun.

I expect the kids will play some sort of game, watch a movie, make some great rainy day snacks and build memories of time spent doing fun little nothings.

We were all scattered yesterday… some in the pool, some at the beach, some napping, some biking. There are always plenty of options at the beach and I’m fairly certain everyone had a great day. It’s easy to find fun when life or weather cooperates. Then there is rain, or COVID, or some other road block.

Rainy days come and go and on these days, it’s time to get creative, change the plan and work through the boredom. Put the phone down, turn the TV off and make memories. Play a game, invent a game, bake some cookies, make some coffee, have a conversation with someone, read a book, walk in the rain, reconnect with a friend, or just BE. I’m sure you’ve heard, “there’s nothing to do!” That is exactly the time to be creative. Sometimes we don’t need something to do.

COVID may have slowed us down, shut us in, or forced us to limit socialization. Rainy days are the same. Hopefully we can learn to rethink, reconnect, be creative, do projects…dig up some old school fun.

Lemonade Life Lesson: I’m bored means I lack creativity. Rainy days and quarantine can make us stir crazy. Get back to being creative and finding ways to alleviate boredom without canned (digital) entertainment. Unplug, play a game, make something, bake, connect with a friend, complete a project…there are hundreds of things you can do that don’t involve a TV, phone or laptop. Go do one!

I guess since you are here and you are reading you’re curious. Thanks! You probably want to find something helpful that you can take away AND you want to find insight and inspiration to find ways to sweeten your bitter moments? So what is this Doreen person going to teach me? You’re probably thinking – go ahead… inspire me.

When I was starting this blog, I was encouraged to find a niche… a specialty if you will. My niche is life lessons. I bring a good amount of life experience to the arena, I have a strong background in psychology, and I am a teacher. I have learned to reflect and adjust. I have found that learning from mistakes and being willing to grow are critical skills to happiness.

One specialty, and one of my proudest accomplishment(s) is raising kids. My daughters are the most incredible people you will ever meet. No, seriously they are. Not kidding… and yours (although they probably are already) can be too. Parenting is not innate – it’s something that can be learned and improved upon with self-reflection and adjustment. I will never be Mother of the Year, and I have made PLENTY of mistakes, but I try my best to reflect, adjust, apologize and share. Reflection can be tough, but it is truly a critically important skill. If nothing changes, nothing changes… makes sense, right?

Today’s lesson: The most important lesson…the most important lesson that will help you and the rest of the world: Parenting 101 – RAISING GREAT KIDS.

My kids asked me to write a “How To” book so they can refer to it when they have kids. So here you go – this is something I started a while ago. These are the bullet points. I will make the complete version with examples and elaboration available another time.

The world needs good humans. It is your responsibility to be the best parent for your sweeties. Here are my life lessons for raising great kids.

My daughters know this above all else…

I may not always love what you do, but I will always love you. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. I love you endlessly.

If you made it this far, I sincerely thank you for valuing my thoughts. I truly hope you can take something from this little lesson. Please share, and follow me on my quest to help find the sweetness in life!

Much Love,

Doreen

https://ourworldindata.org/mortality-risk-covid

Today’s Lesson: Data, Statistics, Behavior and Emotion Regarding COVID-19

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I’m a bit of a research nerd. There is a back story behind numbers and data can be skewed in many ways. This is one of the most informative articles that I’ve found. Here’s the important part in a nutshell- I’ve extracted it for you. Now before you get all angry if get something wrong, give grace as I am a first grade teacher and do this data thing as a hobby. I just thought it was interesting and that I would save you some time and reading. You’re welcome. 

When discussing COVID-19 and the risks there is important data to consider:

Here are some relevant acronyms and definitions that I have extracted.

CFR Case Fatality Rate – The risk of dying if infected with COVID-19

The number who have died divided by the number infected (tested and confirmed).

CMR Crude Mortality Rate – The likelihood that any individual will die in an entire population.

Number of deaths divided by the total population.

IFR Infection Mortality Rate – The total number of deaths if everyone in the population were tested.

Total number of cases divided by total number of deaths given the entire population is tested.

*This is basically irrelevant because not everyone will be tested. 

So now with these definitions we can run numbers. Let’s use relatively recent Washington County, MD data where I live, and NYC data. For those in other counties you can do the same if you have your stats.

Washington County, MD 

Population: 151,049

Confirmed Cases: 743

Deaths: 29

CFR – 29/743 = .039

CMR – 29/151,049 = .00019

New York City, NY

Population: 8,399,000

Confirmed Cases: 217,230

Deaths: 23,371

CFR – 217,230 / 23,371 = .1

CMR – 23,371/8,399,000 = .002

*IFR Irrelevant/impossible to calculate given that not everyone will be tested.

As you can see the numbers are very different, however what I find the most relevant for my decisions and fear is the CMR (Crude Mortality Rate – the likelihood of death in a particular population).  According to current statistics, I figure I have an approximately .00019 chance of dying from COVID-19 in Washington County, MD (approximately 1 in 5,000). Would my likelihood increase if I lived in NYC where the total population is higher and much more dense? According to statistics, yes but I could also be older, I could suffer from other health illnesses which could make me more likely to die which also by the way statistics. Your particular situation is unique and remember, stats are just averages.

CFR needs a context…a location, a population. New York’s numbers were alarming; the number of cases and deaths were skyrocketing in the beginning. Well of course – the population of NYC alone is 8.4 million and it is a densely populated city. People are crammed in a small space and social distancing is a huge challenge. Clearly the CFR can vary among locations or sound alarming given a particular population.

Our behavior/decisions regarding COVID-19 is affected by data and statistics can change dramatically with the number of newly tested individuals, newly confirmed cases and newly reported deaths. For example, if in one week 10 people were diagnosed and 1 died the CFR would be 1/10 = .1. In 3 weeks if 50 people were diagnosed and 2 died the CFR would be 2/50 – .04 big difference, right? Again, data can be skewed and interpreted given many factors.

So using relatively current data… if infected with COVID-19 you have a .039 (lets’s say .4) chance of dying.  That means given 100 people confirmed, 4 may die. Of 25 people 1 may die – IF INFECTED. In Washington County approximately 1 of every 5,000 people may die just doing what they do.

The bottom line is given appropriate mask wearing precautions, and being in overall good health there is a low risk of death. There… I said it. HOWEVER, if it were your child, that ONE would be the reason. Is your child immunocompromised? Does your friend have asthma? Does your father have COPD?

We were asked to quarantine to flatten the curve and avoid overwhelming the health care system NOT to eradicate the virus. The virus is still around and we should still be socially responsible to wear masks and prevent the spread to vulnerable populations. Part of me says the risk is low, let’s just get back to normal. Go to school, play sports, live normally but cautiously. The other part says, if I can do my part by embracing the decisions made my our Governor, Board of Education, and other decision makers I will.

If that ONE were yours would you be happy? Do your part. Be socially responsible and show your care for others.

Thanks for reading. Stay informed! 

Much Love… D