My finish line moved
Ten days since my first chemo treatment and I feel like bitching umm… sharing some updates. Saturday and Sunday of the first weekend were the worst. Bone and joint pain from Neulasta shot were extremely painful. Achy, throbby pain and an overall feeling of weirdness — like boat legs, + hangover + Nyquil. Feeling better each day, but tired and still in discomfort from surgery. I did have some nausea, but no actual vomiting. My taste has changed; things just taste different. Of course, that hasn’t affected my appetite or eagerness to eat, but strangely food is much less exciting. No hair loss yet; I check my root strength obsessively.
Setback: I was informed last Sunday night that my school administrators think it best that I not return to my placement until after chemo. While I admit it is for the best, to say I’m feeling saddened and disheartened is an understatement. We have students who bathe infrequently, come from “less than savory” homes, sneeze, cough, fail to wash hands… kids are germy! If I were to catch a cold or bug, it could be dangerous. I get it, but my finish line keeps moving and I’m losing steam. I reached a place of acceptance, but I get down and I’m allowed to be down. So, I was not in school last week nor will I be for the remainder of my chemo. My last dose is scheduled for 5/15. There will not be enough days left in the calendar for me to get all of my student teaching days in before the end of this school year. I may be able to teach over the summer and accrue required hours then, but I’m still not sure. Worst case is that I may have to go back in the fall so that I can observe/teach in a “traditional” classroom setting (as opposed to weird summer school dynamics). I still have to formulate a plan.
When I was first diagnosed, I worried about surgery and believed that might just be all. I expected a low recurrence score; I’d deal with the physical/surgical pain and muscle through. Nope. Chemo/compromised immune system, crap. School delay – crappity crap. I just want to finish! My finish line for school was supposed to be 5/9. Graduation shortly thereafter. Then I would accept a job, spend the summer preparing my classroom, take a much needed vacation in anticipation of a steady paycheck, reward the girls for their patience, spoil them a little…no, A LOT and now… $%&@!, &%$!, &%$#!
My girls will forever have to say, “My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10/12” and I hate that. As though this age isn’t difficult enough. They are the MOST AMAZING girls ever. Exemplary students; magnet programs for both (Delia was recently accepted yay!), beautiful, conscientious, kind, confident. I try so hard to be the epitome of strength and maintain normalcy for them, but sometimes I fail. Fear, anxiety and sadness take a toll on a person. I try not to break in front of my girls, but sometimes I do. It breaks my heart to see my daughters sad or scared — It’s a lot of work to be stoic.
I committed to one tough year in school. I expected a strong finish and a reward at the end. Not that I won’t finish– I know I will, it’ll just take a little longer and that adds to the burden. I put assignments on the back burner in January to focus on health, family, and recovery. I still have those requirements to complete, and I’ve lost the wind in my sails. The battle has been elevated in emotional arena this week. So today, I will dig for the motivation to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what I can with this crappy situation, because it’s not going away. Gotta find a way get the motivation back to get this job done and finish strong… no matter where the finish line is.
Love to all, D