You are responsible for your own happiness. If you expect others to make you happy chances are you’ll always end up disappointed. I love this…it really speaks to me.
When listening to people discuss relationships or incompatibilities, It is not uncommon to hear, “he/she didn’t make me happy”… as if to suggest that happiness is someone else’s responsibility. (Get your highlighter ready) Finding happiness involves personal responsibility. Furthermore, taking personal responsibility means not blaming others for your unhappiness. It means figuring out ways to be happy despite any perceived negative influence, or external circumstances. A person who has taken personal responsibility for his own happiness (or any emotion for that matter) will discover a valuable insight about happiness: your happiness depends more upon your attitude and effort than it does on objective, external circumstances or on the influence of another. Thus, to say s/he didn’t make me happy is to waive personal responsibility. Let me paraphrase that: Your happiness depends more upon your attitude and your personal responsibility than the influence of another person.
That whole “you get out what you put in” philosophy rings very true in terms of long-term sustainable, true happiness. The reward is contingent upon the amount of effort you invest (in you); the product is a result of the quality of ingredients you put into the mix. If you don’t personally invest in putting in the work to cultivate internal, soul-satisfying happiness, you will likely never find it through external sources, and certainly not from one specific person. So s/he didn’t make me happy actually translates to I was unhappy due to my lack of personal responsibility.
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Then there is the pseudo-solution of chasing happiness through temporary fixes or dopamine hits. Seeking zen-like true internal happiness through external/artificial sources or other avenues is like chasing rainbows. You can have fun, you can have enjoyable times of entertainment, but they are temporary. “I had fun”, “that was a blast” doesn’t translate to deep personal fulfilment and overall happiness. i.e. ultimate personal happiness/contentment cannot be achieved through sporadic bouts of pseudo-entertainment. When you avoid taking personal responsibility and rely upon others, or single-dose entertainment (movies, games, alcohol, drugs, skydiving…) to create happiness you embark on an elusive quest toward a mirage. Now there is the “fake it ‘til you make it” strategy which is a viable and tested method, but that still requires repetition, insight, personal moral inventory, and adjunct personal responsibility. The reality is that it is not the artificial sweetener activities that bring happiness, it’s the personal connections that we make and satisfying emotional connections that we share when we spend time during these activities that lead to joy and fulfilment.
So if the theory is people (a person) can’t make you happy we can then go on to imply they can’t make you sad, they can’t make you angry they can’t make you motivated. What we really mean is they can’t be the source of sustained happiness, sadness, anger or any emotion for that matter. A person can make us laugh, can enrage us, can piss us off, can motivate us. You can become happy, sad or mad because of their actions, but ultimately you control your long-term behavior and emotions. Semantics maybe, but it really is a mindset that requires a deeper personal understanding of the reason for your emotions. You do not become a happy, sad or angry person because of another’s input or influence. These are deep seeded personality traits for which one must take personal responsibility. Maybe, just maybe you are an unhappy person, an angry person, a pessimistic person and therein lies the real work and quest… how to change the personality flaw eerrrr… area in need of improvement. This takes a responsibility and willingness to delve into a true personal inventory. Why do I have problems? Why don’t I have meaningful friendships? Why am I unfulfilled? Why am I unhappy? These are the difficult questions worthy of self investigation….not blame.
Semantics? Maybe. Is it fair to use the words, “I was unhappy because of the situation or circumstances?” Sure, in many cases, yes. But again, it takes a willingness to take personal responsibility for your emotions. I think that is more workable than simply blaming another. It’s more effort, more shame maybe, more discomfort but worthwhile in the long run and certainly more within your control than waiting for the elusive fairy wand to magically bring joy.
Now let’s look at situations, circumstances, and lenses. Take a roller coaster – it might stir feelings of elation, terror, excitement, trepidation… the same stimulus could elicit a different response in many people. Christmas – a joyful holiday right? Well to a 6 year old, sure. For a single, unemployed mother fear or anxiety. For a recent widower – loneliness and pain.
Again, emotions are unique, are based on context and experience. In these examples the feeler may not be “in control” but through personal analysis and introspection can learn to understand and interpret feelings and ultimately manage them. With work, support, personal responsibility, you can become better able to reframe, control, and perhaps change emotions rather than let them take you to dark, unhealthy places OR places of blame and helplessness.
So perhaps the challenge is to change the circumstance or the interpretation? If I want to ride rollercoasters, maybe I can learn to embrace the fear and enjoy the excitement. Maybe the single mother can learn to appreciate the peace and beauty of the holiday and the health rather than the anxiety around monetary gifts. If a person can learn anger management, or coping strategies to manage anxiety, one could surmise that a person can learn to cultivate personal happiness rather than rely on someone to to provide it or by blaming someone for its absence. The same way you can learn to control anger to keep it within healthy parameters, you should be able to learn happiness by taking steps to cultivate it.
My point is, if the negative emotion or input of a situation or relationship is uncomfortable, it is a matter or addressing, reframing or fixing the narrative, and taking personal responsibility, (did I drop that term enough – personal responsibility?) an not blaming or relying upon the person or the relationship to determine your perceived level of happiness. Unmotivated? Dig for it. Unfulfilled? Search for it. Unhappy? Change it. I’m not saying do it alone. Find the support, fake it ‘til you make it, read, research, redo, try, put in the work. But blame, apathy, denial, rationalization? These are called defense mechanisms for a reason. (Defense: the action of defending from or resisting attack) Nope… that’s not gonna make it happen. Defense will block any progress and is an opposing force to change. So, go on the offensive and take control of your happiness. Make those changes. If you expect others to make you happy, chances are you’ll always be disappointed.
Screw you 2020… it’s go time. Offense wins games.